Jupiter Ascending (Trailer Review) UPDATE: It must suck because it’s not coming out until next February

By Niall McArdle

Judging a movie by its trailer is a tricky business these days, as studios either give away everything about the film in two minutes, which somewhat diminishes the pleasure of the tease (I sometimes think that in their spare time trailer makers only ever go to full nude revues instead of burlesque), or they give away nothing, and it’s impossible to judge what the film is about, let alone if it’s going to be good.

The trailer for the science-fiction adventure Jupiter Ascending (by the Wachowski Brothers Siblings) looks to fall somewhere in between the two. Mila Kunis stars as an earthling who is drawn into an inter-galactic battle that will decide the fate of the Cosmos when the Queen of the Universe decides she must be assassinated. The trailer hints at tons of CGI, outlandish production design, some super slow-mo fight stuff, and some standard speechifying about sacrifice, destiny, and whatnot, but it doesn’t really give too much away about the film.

However, we can probably safely deduce a few things.

1. It looks like a melange of The Last Starfighter, Avatar and The Matrix. It won’t make any sense, but does that really matter?

2. Mila Kunis is basically the One, but on another planet instead of inside the Matrix.

3. A lot of the the aliens look pretty much like humans. So, are we their offspring?

4. Channing Tatum is an elf, but, you know, buff, not like the fey elves in Lord of the Rings.

"I bench-pressed a hobbit once. It almost killed me. And I'm bloody immortal."
“I bench-pressed a hobbit once. It almost killed me. And I’m bloody immortal.”

5. Up and coming British totty Tuppence Middleton is in it. That is her real name. As well as meaning “two pence”, Tuppence is also slang for a vagina. Insert horrifically crude joke here.

6. The baddie aliens are – surprise, surprise – British toffs.

7. British but decidedly non-toff Sean Bean will probably die in it.

bean8. In spite of what I said at the outset about judging trailers, it really doesn’t look like it’s going to be any good.

UPDATE: SCREENWRITER is reporting that the release date has been put back until the dumping ground of February.

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